oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
