she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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