Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
