i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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