It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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