All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
