she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am available for nakedness
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
