like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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