I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
