I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
