Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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