I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
