I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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