the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Shame is for Republicans.
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