I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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