You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
