I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
