i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
