Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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