Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
