oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
