I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
