So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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