So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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