if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
