im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
