her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
