my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
