I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
