The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
