I faked an abortion last night.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
