vagina is talking i cant
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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