There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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