I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
