just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Pooping to opera.
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