I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
