I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
