I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
