you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
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I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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