I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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