I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
