I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
