the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
