Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
