I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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