Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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