Princesses don't give blow jobs
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
