Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
