Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
