Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
