I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
