There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
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I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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