Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
