I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
