This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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