I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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