Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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