YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
