On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
