As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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